12 Tips to Change Surviving to Thriving in a Solitary Christmas
The build up to Christmas this year started with my boss telling me that I was required to take holiday for ten days over the Christmas period. OK, I replied in a slightly grumpy email, I wouldn’t choose to take time off. There was no way around it, the office would be closed, there was no work for me to do.
I quickly reflected on my attitude and the miserable Christmas I was setting myself up for if I continued down that path. I resolved to change my mindset.
I’m no stranger to solitary Christmases — things with my family are complicated and I don’t need to go into it here, but suffice to say I started doing Christmas independently in my early 20’s. The first one I spent alone was at 24 years old. I unexpectedly broke up with a boyfriend the week before but since I had already booked to work on Christmas day, there was no time to arrange anything else. I awoke on Christmas morning at the housing project having done a sleep-in shift, and cycled back to my home. I sat in the lounge, had a little cry, and ran myself a bath. I had a microwavable roast dinner that evening and, even though it was 20 years ago now, the memory of disappointment as I watched it spinning around in the microwave, is still crystal clear.
After that experience I became more organised with Christmas planning and usually had something set up before the end of the summer. I learned that being with other people’s families on Christmas was a varied experience. Hanging out with my friends and their new baby was great. Another time, while staying with a friend’s family, someone they met in the supermarket responded to my presence in their house for Christmas by exclaiming, “Oh you guys, always taking in the waifs and strays”. I remember looking at her face searching for any sign of recognition that this might be something she would want to say when I wasn’t actually there. Around that time I stopped trying to invite myself over to people’s houses for Christmas.
So looking at this Christmas, what did I want it to be like? And how could I make sure that I didn’t waste the holiday ahead of me? I realised that there are worse things than spending Christmas alone. Two years ago having arguments with my then husband, was that better than being alone? Of course not. I knew all the way through my divorce that it was bringing me closer to having the kinds of relationships I wanted in my life. Christmas alone is, in the same way, closer to Christmas with the right kind of others.
I ended a relationship in the middle of a pandemic, to move back to a country I hadn’t lived in for 12 years, to then leave and move to an island I’d never even visited before. I set myself up to spend Christmas alone this year, but I don’t feel bad about that anymore, and I think planning all this fun stuff to do has really helped. So here are my 12 tips to make the most out of solitary Christmas bliss.
1. Watch a Christmas movie
I love a Christmas movie, the fantasy of this gift giver living in the north pole, and I kind of dig the global conspiracy in duping young children to believe it all. Some of the real golden oldies like It’s a Wonderful Life are so wholesome and heartwarming. My favourite is Santa Claus the Movie, with Dudley Moore. I was eight years old when that film came out and I must have been just the right age to kind of know it wasn’t all real, but still be caught up in the magic. I try to watch a new Christmas film each year too, because it’s fun to watch silly movies that aren’t taking themselves too seriously. Of course, if you want something a bit more grown up, there’s always Die Hard.
2. Have a call with a (few) good friend(s)
I’ve tried to schedule some calls with people over Christmas fortnight, it’s a time of year where people like to catch up and they usually have some extra free time with breaks from work. These connections help us remember that we have networks, even if they aren’t within touching distance.
3. Buy some of your favourite foods
I think one of the things I miss most doing Christmas alone is the lack of giant feasts, although my waistline may feel different. I tend not to cook up a banquet for one, but if cooking is your thing then maybe that’s something to explore. I do, however, buy some of my favourite treats.
4. Practice Mindfulness
This one is pretty important and the next few suggestions are really just aspects of mindfulness that I will explain in more detail. This isn’t just for Christmas, it’s for living a more balanced and happier life in general.
5. Do a jigsaw puzzle
In many ways I feel there is nothing more pointless than doing a jigsaw, you put pieces together to make a picture and then you break it up again. Yet we know that this kind of focussed attention is actually really good for our brains. For anyone who says their mind races and constantly jumps from one idea to the next, seemingly out of control, these kinds of tasks can help to brain train. I bought a 500 piece puzzle at the start of the week, yesterday I went and got a 1000 piece because I’m almost finished.
6. Walking, dancing, swimming, running, knitting etc. — bilateral stimulation
Most of us know by now that exercise is good for us because it releases dopamine, the body’s natural feel-good hormone. However, there are additional benefits from activities like walking or knitting. These involve bilateral stimulation, which simply means moving the left and right sides of the body. This bilateral stimulation is now understood to help process trauma (the basis of EMDR therapy). If Christmas is a time that brings up difficult emotions because of memories to do with the past, you may find that engaging in activities that involve bilateral stimulation will help you to process better and find more inner peace.
7. Yoga / meditation
I cannot tell you how resistant I was to joining the yogi movement, I thought it was for lithe bodied students who wanted to show off their navel rings. Once you start looking into the research around the impact of these practices, though, it is hard to argue with. I am so glad that I pushed my reservations aside and started engaging regularly with yoga and meditation, there is no doubt that my mental health has benefited enormously. If you want to get started but don’t feel ready to attend classes in person, I can highly recommend Yoga with Adriene, and the app Insight Timer, both have free options.
8. Treat yourself to a massage / manicure / haircut
I had to cancel my massage and manicure today due to a potentially paranoia induced COVID scare (lateral flow negative, I’m still not entirely convinced). I did have a massage booked for actual Christmas day, which I thought was the most genius, awesome plan, until the salon contacted me to say there had been an error with the booking system and they are closed that day (boo!). I’ll be rebooking them before the end of the year anyway.
9. Gratitude
Try writing three things you are grateful for each day. The thinking goes that if you focus on the things you have, it creates a reflection of the world that leans towards the things that are going well. You might find other useful ideas like this at the Happiness Project.
10. Buy yourself a gift
Didn’t get that perfect gift you wanted? Why not just buy it for yourself? A way to guarantee what you get is exactly what you desired :) This year I got two jigsaw puzzles!
11. Find a project to work on
You may have noticed, I’m writing a blog about surviving solitary Christmas…..
12. Complete a review of your year
Christmas is a great point to reflect on the year that’s just gone by and think about what changes you are going to make. If you feel like this wasn’t the Christmas you wanted it to be, then have a think about how you can make it different for next year. I know that some things are beyond our control but we also often have power that is unrecognised. What connections can you make? Who can you bring into your life? What organisations are out there? What things would need to change or happen in order to move closer to your goals? Set some targets and see if you can move towards them. On a quick search I found this template online but there are many other options, try searching “year review template”.
